We’ve all seen it before.
First, the breakup occurs. At that point, a number of things happen: Both parties wish the other well and truly move on. OR, one may express disdain for the other and/or the other may express sadness and heartache over the breakup. OR, both sides hate each other and throw shade, sling mud, etc., every chance they get, hurting anyone and everyone who dare chooses to get in the way.
In many cases, here is something that happens way too often as well: One person begins to utter insults about their ex or their new significant other.
Why is that?
I’ve heard this so many times and seen this very often on social media. A whole lot is said about the new lover and it’s not very kind. There are all the memes and e-cards to talk about how “ugly” the new boyfriend is or how “fat” the new girlfriend is. Every flaw is pointed out.
Interestingly enough, what’s common about the people who do this is that they will also claim to be completely OVER their ex. I mean, completely. 100% OVER THEM. Totally.
So why are you so concerned with the new lover?
The answer? Jealousy and/or pettiness. It’s that simple.
Being over someone means that you aren’t concerned with the new significant other. It means you aren’t insulting, demeaning (whether passive-aggressively or direct), you aren’t stalking them online, you’re not talking to others about this new person. Unless you feel a legitimate concern with this new lover (i.e., something that could be harmful to your ex), there isn’t much reason to be caught up in them, let alone putting them every chance you get.
But let’s not beat around the bush here. The reason you do this is because it validates the breakup in your eyes. Right?
Of course it does.
I’ve never been one to play stupid and I’m not about to start now. If you are involved in a breakup, whether you agree with it or not, you’re all up in the new girlfriend or boyfriend because you need that validation that the breakup was a good idea or the right choice. So you look for every flaw in the new person to feel better about yourself.
But again…to be “over” your ex, why would you feel the need to do this?
So the new girlfriend has a few extra pounds than you. That means he “downgraded,” right? After all, every woman in the world is meant to be skinny, so of course you look so much better than she does.
And her boyfriend…he’s a shorty, which may or may not be referencing his height. Surely that’s all there is to life, so just wait…she will most certainly miss you soon. Of course she will, because every woman loves tall men.
It’s baffling how giddy some people get once they start finding those flaws in the new person. Now all of a sudden, you place yourself on this pedestal that you never did before. You are now “better” than the new lover because of these flaws, even though you still need to throw the shade.
Nah, you’re just “telling it like it is.” Just “keeping it 100.”
And so on…and so on.
Obviously it is a different story if there is negative history between you and the new lover. That doesn’t necessarily excuse anything, but I think some of us may be able to give it a bit of a pass, depending on the circumstances.
But that isn’t always the case, is it? Nah. You’re insulting the new significant other who you don’t know and/or have never once spoken with, not to mention that they’ve never said anything negative to or about you, nor has your ex complained to you or anyone else about them.
Before you jump on social media or run to your friends to dish about this new lover, here are a few things to keep in mind:
YOU have flaws too. And as much as you don’t want to believe this or think this isn’t humanly possible, people were looking at your relationship with your ex and talking about those as well. Probably a LOT.
“But I don’t care what people say about me!”
And…this new lover does? You know this for certain? If you don’t care what people say about you, why should they?
Also, you thought enough of your ex, at least at one time, to have been in a relationship with him or her. Whatever the circumstances are now, you felt in such a way that you thought it appropriate to spend time with them, sleep with them, marry them and/or have children with them. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be sad or even angry about them having done you wrong. But it’s petty to pretend as though that person has never meant anything to you. Because they did. And as much as you want to throw shade his or her way, remember…the same thing you’re putting down is what you were once into yourself.
I know, I know…“Well, I came to my senses!” or “I plead temporary insanity!”
*insert rolling eye emoji*
ALL THAT BEING SAID…again, you were still with them at one point. You’re allowed to change your mind, yes…but to treat them as “damaged goods” all of a sudden says more about you than it does them.
It’s just like those people who comment on internet stories with, “Who cares?” If you don’t care about the story, the best way to prove it is to move on. That’s it. But you care enough if you choose to leave the comment.
For starters, I have more respect for that person who can be mature enough to admit that they may not be over their ex, rather than putting on this immature charade where it seems they talk more about them as an ex than they did when they were together. But honesty is the best policy. It doesn’t matter how “weak” society says it makes you look. Society has a lot of problems. I wouldn’t base my life reactions on what they say. You can actually take the steps of getting over them by first admitting when you aren’t quite there yet. There is nothing wrong with that AT ALL.
On the other hand…if you’re so “over” your ex, then leave them be. Aside from it being the adult thing to do, insults are for kids. There nothing more pathetic than seeing someone insult and demean a total stranger just because that person happens to be with your ex, or for you to put down the ex as though they are pieces of garbage.
Once again…you dated, had sex with, married, had children with and spent all kinds of time with that “piece of garbage.” Not every relationship is meant to work out. You don’t have to like or love them anymore, but it costs nothing to show a little class. Lacking that shows not only that you haven’t gotten over them at all, but that you still have feelings for them.
You’re not “being honest.” You’re not “keeping it 100.” You’re not “telling it like it is.” You’re being childish.