I was naïve enough to believe that this is something people actually grow out of, but not so. You see an attractive man or woman. Being interested in them is not so bad. The next obvious step would be to wonder whether or not he or she is single. That would be logical in order to let you know if and how you should proceed.
Upon finding out that an attractive person is single, some minds rejoice in that now they have permission to respectfully take that next step in expressing that interest. However, in the minds of so many others, the thoughts go straight to asking, “HOW/WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?!”
On one hand, this might actually be the lesser of two evils. After all, with all the assuming that goes on about aspects of the lives of people we know absolutely nothing about, for a person to choose to ask is better than just making things up. Yeah, you. When someone doesn’t tell you something about their lives, no, you don’t have the right to just fill in the blanks with whatever you choose.
However, as I am not playing “Devil’s Advocate” here, this is a lousy question, for many reasons. Here are a few:
Too many believe one is “better” because of being in a relationship. I am not sure who decided that being in a relationship makes one person “better” than another, but that is total nonsense, and I say that as a married man. Some are extreme to the point of believing that those who are not in relationships are somehow not “normal.” Seriously?!
It is incredibly short-sighted. Of all the things you could learn about someone in determining what kind of person they are, you stop immediately after learning of his or her relationship status? That is when you have them completely figured out? For example, I had a friend once who was interested in a 31-year-old man who had never been married. He seemed all right to me in the little that she said about him, but she was racking her brain trying to “get” how and why he had never been married. I did the logical thing and asked her if there was anything she found wrong or suspicious about him and she said there was nothing other than that. Clearly, the simple fact that a 31-year-old man had never been married was “strange” enough.
The same thing happens with women. Women are believed to be “crazy” if they are single or reach a certain age as she is single, or even does not have kids. I spare you the TON of examples I have for that one, but again, relationship status does nothing to tell us about a person.
How do you know he or she did not just get out of a relationship? I figured more people would be smart about this one. Seriously, how come this hardly crosses your mind? Every attractive person who is single has been single for his or her entire life? They could not have ended a relationship the day before you met them? I can maybe count on one hand how often the same person who spoke about how surprised they are of someone being single almost mentioned that they might have recently gotten out of a relationship. I say “maybe,” because I honestly cannot think of ONE single instance when I wasn’t the one suggesting it. While I am married now, it was not long ago that I got out of a marriage of nearly 19 years. It would NOT be that shocking that someone would want to take a break after having been married for that long, especially considering how his or her ex-spouse treated them. On top of that, I am 40 years old and people say I look younger than that. Not to brag, but all sorts of aspects come into play that might explain why an attractive person would be single, and that person may look younger than they are, which would explain why you would not know they were married for that long.
Speaking of “attractive” person, to only focus on them is incredibly shallow. Most folks are more concerned about physical attraction than anything else. Sure, they could jump on social media and pretend they are “all about personality,” but I was not born yesterday. Especially in terms of meeting someone new. There is nothing wrong with this. However, this “surprised” feeling that an attractive person would be single is terribly shallow for a number of reasons.
How does the level of physical attractiveness YOU have for that person dictate whether or not he or she should be single? We all don’t find the same people physically attractive in the same way, so how do YOU get to be the one who decides that someone is “too” attractive to be single?
Along with that, what about those who YOU do not find physically attractive? They don’t deserve to be in relationships? So you think they “should” be single? If a physically attractive person is not in a relationship and that surprises you, what are you saying about the person you don’t find physically attractive who is not in one? You find it more acceptable that a physically attractive person be in a relationship but not an unattractive person?
And please, don’t come on and try to play the “they had a bad personality” game after the fact. You don’t want to be caught judging someone strictly on looks, so you cleverly try to weasel around it. You do your best to find some aspect about that person you don’t like just so you’re able to hide behind that instead so as to not appear shallow. Been there and done that. I see you.
You’re encouraging a person to believe something is wrong with him or her. When you ask how or why someone is single, you might be thinking it is a compliment of some kind, but not everyone is as strong-minded as others. You’re bringing society’s “standards” into someone’s individual life and they may start to wonder what is wrong with them for not being in a place society says they should be in. I can easily say “F**K society” when it comes to certain things, but not everyone else can do that, which is understandable. Is it too much to ask that you don’t bring society’s garbage to individuals? After all, I’m sure you would not like someone judging you based on society’s rules. Do unto others.
A person just may…wait for it…WANT to be single. What in the holy fresh hell is wrong with someone just wanting to be single?! Once again, why does society put so much stock in relationship status to where many thumb their noses at people who are single? You wouldn’t put down someone who chooses not to order a Big Mac right after you did, right? So why are relationships any different?
And the reasons a person would want to be single don’t matter. Seriously…they don’t. Why should they? I don’t need to know how independent you are or how much you don’t have to rely on others. That’s cool if that’s where you are, but no one is owed that explanation. Being single to me is no different than choosing a certain food item in a restaurant (yep, referring to the Big Mac again). I am not that interested in why the person behind me did not order the same thing or chose something different. It isn’t my business. But this shock of someone choosing to be single is ridiculous. Who in society dictated that we all should be in relationships? Why?
I’m sure there are a ton of other reasons, but this questioning of why someone is single or how they could be, is just silly. And guess what? Most of the ones who ask this are, get this…SINGLE themselves.
The ‘hell you say?!